Why Do Women Snoop?
Admit it ladies– in your darkest hour, at your lowest point, in your weakest moment– there have been times when you’ve at least wanted to check your guy’s email, drive by his house, listen to his voicemail, or read through his text messages just to make sure he’s on the up and up. And as long as you don’t get caught, what’s the harm, right? Well Nancy Drew, read this letter from a guy who caught his girl snooping one time too many and find out just how snooping could ruin your relationship!
Submitted by Charles “The Anti Snoop”
I recently ended what I believed was a pretty promising relationship because of my ex’s snooping habits. She hacked into my Facebook account, my email account(s) -yes, plural-and even into my T-Mobile account to see who I was calling and when. Despite these signs that she might be psycho, I forgave her actions and took her back. (Note: she never found anything besides friendly/flirtatious notes from people she didn’t know with whom I shared relationships she wouldn’t have understood; I was actually faithful to this girl and hoped for her to be “the one,” cutting off anyone who posed a threat to my fidelity).
After the first series of violations, I again discovered that she had continued to violate my privacy- most recently when she went through my blackberry while I was in the shower! This was LITERALLY less than 5 minutes after we’d JUST had a convo about snooping! She gave me the whole production (begging on her knees, please baby baby please, tears/waterworks, you name it). I get in the shower and BAM! She does it again. She insisted that it had nothing to do with insecurity and simply was a matter of her feeling ok about different friendships I had with other women.
My question is this: Am I crazy for thinking snooping-in any form-is not ok? I really want to hear from the women on this one. I will TRY not to judge but I KNOW there are some women on this site who have cracked an email account or broken into a voicemail box before, and I just can’t understand why-regardless of what prompted it or what is or isn’t found-someone thinks it’s ok to snoop! To me, it’s akin to reading a person’s diary.
Please, if you can, offer some insight and help me understand.
In the meantime, I’m putting coded locks on everything in my house. My damn sink faucet might not come on for visitors without a retina scan!
Signed,
Charles, The Anti-Snoop.
Ok, what’s up with these other relationships that your girl “just wouldn’t have understood”??? And the flirtatious emails/texts from other women? Why are you engaging in that sort of exchange with other women when you supposedly have found “the one” to begin with??? Sounds shady to me, so no wonder your girl’s curiosity got the best of her. Not saying that what she did is ok, but you need to ask yourself if you’re giving her reasons to be suspicious in the first place!
I agree, if you want her to trust you, you need to give her reason to. Who are you still flirting with on email and why? She thought something was up and confirmed it by snooping the first time, so of course she’s gonna go back and snoop again to see if you’re still flirting with the mystery woman (or is it women- plural??!!) You’re just upset she found out about your business on the side! When will guys learn?
Dude you did the right thing. Leave her alone. If she isn’t full out psycho, she’ s on her way! LOL! Women usually snoop when they’ve been cheated on in the past & never got over it. You are paying for the last dude’s mistakes and its not right. She is extremely insecure and in denial about that, which means she hasn’t dealt with herself at all. She has some major maturing and soul searching to do, that needs to be done alone. On to the next homeboy!
LMAO! Not laughing at your situation but the last line in your email was indeed entertaining. I would have to agree with you that snooping in any form just isn’t ok. I too had my phone, email accounts (plural as well) and facebook hacked and it’s the most unattractive thing to see from a dude…trust me! But I think she was wrong when she said it wasn’t an insecurity. If there is an uncomfortable feeling concerning the relationships your partners have with other’s that you can’t openly discuss then you are most definitely insecure about something. There is a trust issue there that needs to be discussed. I think you made the right decision to end it though because had you tried to make her the “one” you may have had camera’s in your shirt pockets, voice recorders in your money clip and trackers in your shoes….she sounds like she wouldn’t have ever stopped.
Obviously you must have given her a sense that something is going on. Men kill me by acting like they don’t understand where this behavior comes from when they work really hard to cover up their steps of infidelity. It’s clear she saw something he’s been trying to hide so kudos to her!
In any relationship, when you feel the need to check up on a man in any way…you don’t trust him and it’s downhill fast from a behavior and self-respect standpoint. It’s time to go. I totally agree about respecting someone’s privacy, but, I have sunk to the point of disrespecting my mate’s privacy. And I regretted it because it was like opening Pandora’s box. What I found out was what I suspected all along and much, much more…but, because I disrespected his privacy, I couldn’t bring it up without giving him a reason to disparage me. It was a low place.
Now, I start relationships from a point of trust. Until he gives me a reason to not trust him. Even then I am not making any effort to confirm anything. I refuse to follow someone, check phones, call another woman, check email, etc.. I just won’t do it. All of that equals too much damn trouble.
Well, I’m married and my husband snoops and I HATE it. It’s just not cool, but I do know a few couples where each partner has access to the others’ accounts. For me, it’s a privacy issue for myself and my friends. I don’t really care if he sees me talking shit about him, but it’s not fair to the person on the other side of the message for him to be all in their business too. In the end, I think both people in a relationship have to agree on where privacy ends and begins and stick with it.
Tunda
FYI-I have now double decoded everything I have, so if any of you send me an email, it will be only my eyes reading it.
Why we snoop and why it’s hard to stop…
In July 2007 my boyfriend (now fiance) had been acting weird. He was short with me, irritable and not as affectionate as usual. I chalked it up to being tired and not enjoying his full-time job. But after awhile and many conversations of “Nothing is wrong” I broke into his MySpace account. There I found multiple messages of intense flirting with another girl whom I had never met. I threatened to end the relationship, and after some intense conversations and weeks we worked things out. But since then my trust has been completely rocked in our relationship.
It’s been over a year since that but I still have trust issues about our relationship. When you have “special” female friends and you text and email and aim with them and flirt is that really fair to your girl? I’m not completely innocent in my relationship either. But once something is found, weather it’s a flirty email or text it’s hard to gain that trust back in a relationship. It’s hard too when your partner has many female friends and you know they are dating his friends or coworkers and that he talks and texts with them on a regular basis. When I snoop I can’t but help feel guilty, he’s never caught me, but I end up confessing because the guilt is too much.
We’re engaged now, and I love my fiance very much. I need to start trusting in our relationship again before we get married in 2010.
Try to understand where this girl is coming from, she wasn’t correct in her actiosn but put yourself in her shoes for just two seconds. How would you feel if you thought she was “the one” and you found flirting behind your back with other guys?
I use to never snoop and thought my best friend was crazy when she went through her boyfriend’s phone and pretty much stalked his myspace page. That being said I started to date my current boyfriend of 3yrs and he was always going through my phone, e-mail, and computer and it was just annoying to me but I had nothing to hide. Well when we first started dating I was in college and went home for the summer he would always talk about his old flings or other girls wanting to hang and have drinks with him and me being the none jealous person I am, I told him to go have fun and have a drink for me. This was not the response he wanted he would always seem to get upset and say that he did not want to out of respect for me.
I am one of those girls who has always gotten along better with guys and I know it is important in a relationship to have your own friends. When he would get upset or annoyed because I did not seem to care it just seemed to me like he wanted me to be jealous which made me think it was funny. Getting to the point when I actually move up to the college I went to for good, we started spending every night at his apt and when I needed a computer I would use his and not once did I go through anything though he would keeping going through my stuff and would get jealous at every little thing. One day I was at his apt and was using his computer, he informed me that I would have to use the aol icon to get online and gave me his password, when I signed on he only had about 6 new e-mails in his in box( the number is on the screen) and I did not care to go through it because I trusted it him. Well a couple of days later when I signed on to so some research for a term paper I notice his mail box now had 40 new messages. He had gone to the store and I decided to see what they were and thought that the were probably just junk mail.
When I checked they were all messages from adult dating sites and myspace from women.I was totally upset and hurt when I confronted him, he got mad and yelled at me and told me how ridiculous I was for going through it even though he snoop through my stuff all the time. He even had the nerve to say it was one of his friends who had been using his computer even though I knew it was him.
This put a big damper on our relationship I know he never had intentions on meeting up with any of these women because they were all from other states and the conversations they had that I read never said anything about meeting. He sais he just did it because he was bored and thought it was funny. I almost broke up with him but he started getting teary eyed and seem truly sorry. It is kind of funny to think about how jealous and mad he would get when I hung out with my guy friends or got hit on by his frat bothers or by guys at the bar when he was the one who was doing wrong. I fell head over heels in love with him very fast but I will never love him as much as I did before I found those messages. Now it is really hard for me to trust him and he still goes through my account and I don’t do it often but I will snoop on him, I fell bad about it but he was the one being shady and was snooping one me first. Once the trust is gone it is really hard to rebuild it and she is probably just doing it for reassurance.
I know she seems crazy but just let her do it and she will gradually stop, unless you give her a reason not to . If you think she is the one then you should have nothing to hide .
Have a dated you? Your situation sounds exactly like mine and my ex, except I didn’t continuously go thru the phone like your ex did.
Let me tell you the reason why I snooped: I moved 3,000 miles away from friends, family, & 2 jobs just to be with this guy (we’ve known eachother for 10 years). I altered my life to fit his lifestyle (recently divorced, father of 2, it gets better but I’ll stop there). His story seemed so outrageous… separated 2 years, divorce ALMOST final, soon-to-be ex wife so money hungry that it drove him into bankrupcty. He had to sell this and that and blah blah blah. Why did I date this guy? Let’s stick the matter of WHY I snooped. He addmitted he sugar coated some things – his bankruptcy being one of the them. His divorce being another. The guy just has so many issues that once I was living in his house, I started wondering if the things he was telling me were actually the truth. After finding out he was STILL married-(in his mind they were mentally divorced and were only fighting over financial BS) that became lie #1. “if he’s lying about that, what else could he be lying about?” So I went through his email and found a pic of his topless ex sent while I was living there. I didn’t care if he communicated with her but I didn’t appreciate the rudeness, considering that I altered my entire lifestyle. If things weren’t going to work, then so be it. I can deal. But then one lie after another started to appear. They have been little white lies to him, they were lies. White lies or not, I hated that I had stooped this low by invading his privacy.
He was hiding things. I was intuitive to catch on. I KNEW something was going on. I have not done this to every man I’ve dated. Most men I date don’t keep women on the side, just in case. When I date someone, I date them. That way, I have aboslutely NO guilt when my man double checks my word becuase my word is GOLDEN.
The thing about integrity is that once you lose your word, you have NOTHING.
SO MR… if she really were the “one” as you claim or had potential to be the “one”, you would’ve played your cards right. If I wanted to sportsfish, keeping my ex’s on a string, then I’d have NO business moving a “one” into my house at least without cutting the ties of the others first. That was really lame of you to do that. You are contradictory. You want one thing while wanting something else. Make up your mind. When you think you have found the “one” believe me when I say you’re not going to care if she double checks you – cuz if you’re honest, you’ll have nothing to hide and you’ll feel damn good about it.
However, if a woman or man, has a problem with accepting that you are faithful, then I firmly beleive that he/she has insecurity issues and just needs to take 2 big steps out the door.
As for my ex and I – our trust has been demolished. We both have lied and abused the trust in eachother. WE’ll be friends again but it will definitley take TIME.
BTW: I snooped because I needed to know if what I had gotten into was what I should stay for. I took a huge chance on love and I wanted to be absolutely sure that I wasn’t being taken or misled. Every person has a right to know what they are getting themselves into.
When you enter a relationship you give up privacy. Trying to hide things means having things to hide. I allow my mate full access to everything I have. If he blocks me from his stuff it makes me want to snoop. When he allows me access I might snoop when things feel off, but that just reassures me when I look and see that he is still my man.
Allright, here’s the truth. People who get snooped on set it up that way. As much as they “hate” it, they love it. They love having a person make them feel desirable by making her/him feel insecure to the point that they are crazy snooping through everything. They have such deep insecurities about their own lovability that they need to create situations that make others insecure.
Their is no snoop on earth who hates it more than the snoop themselves. It is humiliating, makes them hate their partner, and worse, hate themselves.
All those making others validate their lovability by giving their mates mixed messages so that they become insecure and crazy in the relationship are spineless worms.
It is not the snoop who has the problem at all. It is the mate who has to have others feel this way. They do it on purpose, then go around telling everyone how crazy and insecure the snoop is.
Its all BS, these people are sucking the life out of others by giving them just enough “love” to hold them hostage to feed their egos.
Get away from the loser and never stoop to snoop again. These unloyal cheaters don’t deserve the energy.
wow,Kimber you have hit the nail on the head…I never snooped on my ex untill the day he got a phonecall and left the room to take it, and I discovered and old friend of his with benefits was calling him and he still took the call. (this was early in the relationship). I confronted him and he said that he had ended it with her and told her he was in a relationship now.I really liked him so i took him at his word…and so began other little suspicious things that I came across such as flirty emails and not being consistent with certain stories. He would say one thing now and then put another spin on it the next time we addressed it (very defensive). and i actually caught him snooping on me before i ever snooped on him!! That made me feel weird becos i had nothing to hide…it made me think abt what he could be hiding…I am now confident that He loved the drama, and knowing the power that the could weild over me. sometimes I think he would leave the door open for me to check up on him.Needless to say I we broke up cos I found out he had cheated on me and when he came to apologise he lied abt the some details of that so yeah…spineless worms they all are, not capable of being in a proper relationship, they just want attention and adoration!!!
[...] Women Online – Why Do Women Snoop [...]
Does anyone know which sports talk radio made snide remarks this morning (9.25.09), about 8is am CST, about women who snoop in their mates email, etc. My husband gave me his password at his most recent job because I asked for it after he raved about one of the women he was going to being working with at his new job. He actually denied raving, he said he was just telling me that I would think she was either beautiful, gorgeous or pretty. When I went haywire about his comments, he said it did not matter if she was all of the above – she was smart and that was what counted (paraphrased). And his new boss, a female, he told me she was the nicest woman anyone would ever meet. He is very protective of his job and let me and his children move to another town, without trying to stop us. We now have a long distance marriage and I am very insecure. I have been to his office, where the “smart” woman is always present. Other women – he works mostly with women in a corporate environment (so they are always dressed to the T and look very professional and smell great and are always so animated and charming) are pleasant to me, but not the “smart” one. We have counseled about the issue of my insecurity with him working with women and he agreed to tell me when he was going to be working with the “smart” one especially. He never tells me and the only way I found out is by reading his email. I would not call it snooping, because he gave me his password and we openly talk about my findings. But he is never soothing or sorry that he “forgot” to tell me that they are working on certain projects together. What he can’t get through his head, if you lie by ommission on one thing, then he will on another. And he has. He tells me he just doesn’t want to deal with my emotions about him working with other women. But his lies are not just about other women. So far, to my knowledge, nothing has been marriage-threatening. But this same situation of him working with an attractive co-worker in a previous job made him decide to divorce his first wife of less that two years. So it happens. And I think that husbands and wives should be transparent. There is no need to have private email or anything, why would you? It should be that you can tell your mate when your angry with them or when you are going somewhere they are not. And if the other is not happy with the info they are given, the two need to work it out – not just tell the other “to get over it”. What is the point of a marriage anyway – if not to learn to be each others confidant (sp?). So, there is my soapbox for the day. But I really would like to know the radio station if anyone could help me out.
This is my perspective. If you don’t trust a person enough to not go through their things then leave. You’ll save yourself the stress, your mate the energy wasted in arguing, and yourself the money in blood pressure pills.
I do snoop. I wish I knew why.
If I have someone’s passwords, I’ll look at their stuff. This includes my friends. It’s not a matter of trust or anything, but curiosity.
I had my ex boyfriend’s passwords, and I would snoop occasionally, but didn’t find anything that he hadn’t already told me.
I snooped on my new boyfriend, and I really really really wish I hadn’t. I found out things about his past relationships with his ex and someone he promised has always been a friend that put a strain on the relationship. And it’s not like I can talk to him about trust while I’m snooping on him. It’s made me really insecure in the relationship.